Throughout the rest of school, I know I got familiar with the game and did what I had to in order ot make it through. Some instructors wanted this or that, and I gave them what they expected. Even if, in some cases, there was no substance behind it.

I haven’t gone back to school, even if I had planned on it before I left. The most I’ve done is some training classe for work, and again I play the game and leave it at that.

To some extent, it frustrates me that I don’t get more out of such situations. And I suppose it is my own fault. Should I take advantage of the learning process? How can I do that and not get bored? It remains unanswered.

As for work, I know I could do more. I know I could do better. However, what is my reward for doing so? I’m fond of saying at work that, “The reward for completing your work well is more work.” I do my part on the projects I am assigned. I actually take each project personally where possible, and try to make it successful.

However, lately I notice that I’ve gotten a bit… Reluctant to put in more effort than strictly necessary. I refuse to work from home, and in fact I leave my work laptop at work. I state the truth, which is that I didn’t get cable when I moved. I turn my phone off before bed and when I’m expecting to do other personal activities. I show up at my appointed time, put my hours in, and leave as soon as I’m able to do so.

And I haven’t really noticed much difference. I’m still getting bonuses for project work. I still have a good working relationship with some of the team members. I feel a bit better leaving work because I’ve started to leave my work there. I don’t use any method to check work email once I’ve left.

Now the problem is that I do tend to get a bit… snippy when I get work calls off-hours, or even during lunch. Any intrusion on MY time annoys me. Even friends, family, and the like can disturb my quest for personal time.

Work drains me to the point that I have no energy left once I’m out. I’ve noticed that I tend to go home and sit in silence, performing some simple mind-numbing task like solitaire or similar. Nothing requiring hand-eye coordination, or even much thought. Certainly nothing healthy and active.

My outlet is tech toys. I buy them. Sometimes, I even use them after I posess them. I briefly cheep up as I research a new toy, then purchase it. I wait in anticipation until it arrives or I go out shopping for it. And I do enjoy the opening and first playtime.

More and more, that is fading very rapidly. I get buyer’s remorse. It ultimately doesn’t help the situation.

So what is there to do? We isolate ourselves. It is both unconscious and conscious effort that makes it such. There isn’t an wasy answer. I find that small things help here and there, and perhaps those will build up enough to overcome the worst of it.

Eating right is a big one. Excercise is another. Those are somewhat easy to fulfill. The harder one is getting a bit of non-stressful time out of the house to socialize and just be out, free. My tendancy is to retreat to my own environment where I can control everything. It does me good to get out and about from time to time.

I haven’t slept well for over a week now. There are phases where I do and do not sleep well. Everything seems much worse when I haven’t slept, that’s for sure. I haven’t figured out the key to good sleep yet. Except, of course, popping a pill drops me right out. Not a real solution, but a patch that does relieve the stress for a time.

Starting to go on bike rides helped for awhile, but I didn’t keep them up. And now the weather prohibits them. Geocaching also helped a great deal, as it combined toys with a purpose to using them. I need to get back into more of that sort of thing. I keep meaning to get back into fencing, but somehow never get around to it.

I’m frustrated with myself, because I feel like I should be able to do more and have more energy. I don’t understand why I don’t. I think back 10 years ago when I did so much more in a day. I would be gone for 14+ hours a day, hauling around a huge backpack on my bike and still stay up to play a new game or chat or something.

I don’t have the answers, but you’re not alone.

I know, deep down, that relaxation isn’t the answer (but it is a necessary starting point; I can’t begin to deal with anything when I get stressed out!) Once relaxed, I can come to a more full understanding — and you’re right, just adaptation is not always the right answer. Still, I choose to sidestep things that I don’t have to confront. For instance, in the past I’ve moved to new cities from old ones just because it’s been an environment more conducive to my personal aesthetic/comfort level. Sure, I could try and be happy somewhere else, but taking a path of lower resistance is often a more intelligent choice. Save that energy for something else, right?

It will be very hard to take this item of advice: “Don’t be humble to the point where you don’t share.” I am still not yet confident enough in my own contributions to do this, and have had too many false starts in the past where I have simply imposed, not proposed. I don’t want to take steps towards proposing until I’m sure people won’t read me as imposing - this seems to be the key, that my communication skills are still somewhat busted. I may deal with change OK, but I still have a hard time changing specific things. Speech and linguistic patterns remain the hardest chestnuts to crack.

BTW, I left Soma over 6 months ago now. I have a different job that is more satisfying, less stressful, and has me both within my comfort zone and my zone of proximal development (thanks, Vygotsky! Thvygotsky.)

Between action and inaction choose action every time!
The world will change, directed or not. If it is with good intentions no one can blame you. Even if it ends up worse that where it would have randomly fluttered otherwise. No one could ever know. If the system is tolerant of change, once corrected, it will be in a better place had it not taken the misstep.

You are more than humble enough (of your view)^2. Don’t be humble to the point where you don’t share. Propose; as opposed to impose. But, I know you would never do otherwise.

Everything you do really does matter! If it is not with the goal of world change, it still goes into that fluttering function. As they say: We are standing on the shoulders of giants. More so, it seems to be grains of sand where they happen to have settled. But, it’s quite a pile.

Of course it doesn’t feel good to loose sleep or other physical nessesity. Those we need. If you make no choices you can acclimatize to anything. The same will never seem like enough.
In this reactive mode, mixed with our the ability to analyze the real time feeling of happiness just becomes a function that evaluates to what degree the outcome exceeds the expectation.
Pride loops in the positive.
You were looping in the negative, and in the worst way because your heightened ability to process was linked in when assessing potential vs actual accomplishment.

Relaxing is not the solution.
You have so much ability; You are spinning the wheels even when you would prefer to sleep.
Just make sure you are not spinning the wheels madly on a treadmill at work either.

Once you regain mental traction and control of your personal mental direction; Once you rebuild the confidence to connect it to the real world, and at least point in that direction; You know you could go anywhere you wanted, and I wouldn’t be surprised if society wanted to go along for the ride.

take it; leave it; take parts.

…. Actually, I am going to throw in the ‘immature’ advice too.
QUIT SOMA ASAP
They may have improved their technology, but they kept the name.

Even if you don’t go ‘all in’ for your stuff, why not give it your largest investment?

You’re at a point where physical intervention is needed to get out of the vicious cycle of being unable to relax mentally and physically.
You sound like did once, when I was worn out and ungrounded, past the point of fixing myself. One of my friends does shiastu for a living and I took her up on her offer of a full-body massage.
I’m not advocating any form of massage in particular, but I suspect that a thorough one, followed by a good bath (if that’s your thing) and a good sleep, would allows you to get yourself back together to the point of self-sustainability (meaning, being able to release stress). We all need to figuratively be “gone fishing” now and then.

Once that point is reached, perhaps you should evaluate your workplace workload. It might be genuinely too high, especially given the extra demands of school. Not much reduction might be required. I bet it’s not very different from the accomodations someone needs when they have a family. (I often think of my school work as a second spouse, to keep in perspective the commitment involved.)

Finally, being asked to join in is not necessarily elitist. Your insight or actions may or may not be better than anyone else’s, but that point of view falls apart when you ask yourself “Would I enjoy it?” (whatever the group, activity, or focus ‘it’ is). Find what you want, what you love, *what you value*. What you should or should not do will logically follow from working towards those. There you find drive and substance, and never be outside of it because you’re in immediate contact with it. The things we value the most are the most real.

Meng: The HTML to the graph must have been stripped. Can you put in the URL in plaintext? I’ll check on why it got stripped meanwhile. There’s definitely a seasonal component. Fortunately it’s less cold & cloudy this year compared to last, so it’s not affecting me /as much/ (but I still admit there’s an effect.) On a macro scale, I hope you’re wrong. I won’t make that choice unless I’m forced to by some uncontrollable constraint (health, money, etc.) I agree the long-term, contemplative view is better. I also do my best not to thrash in an “ADD” like sense; I’m better about that now than I was just 3 months ago, thanks to better personal organization and a strict priority queue.

It’s the constant internal criticism that is the biggest issue here, not overcommitment. I have never felt “OK” making mistakes, whether in public or not, and have loud introjects that reinforce that. Dealing with this has been a lifelong problem, I have evidence of it as young as 4 years old (ask me sometime offline).

kaien: *sigh* yeah I knew you’d relate. thanks for the *hugs* :) it helps a lot. I’m trying to say “no” more often. But telling myself “it’s OK” is the big challenge (see above).

but yeah, take it easy. if u can allow yourself, and you havta realise that you have to allow yourself, take a step back mentally. and take a long deep breath.
you dont have to do everything at once, be it work, school or play or relationships. sure, it’s possible to do as much as possible in the least amount of time you think u need, and it might look like an interesting/appealing/exciting/worthwhile/(insert whatever adjective) and whatever endeavour. but yeah, u dont have to do everything at once.

*hugs* it sucks, and it really really SUCKS, to be in the place you’re in now. believe me i know. *hugs* take care and take it easy.

ps: i know its not really concrete ‘advice’ per se and its not very detailed but *shrug* it is what it is i guess. plus you know where to find me :)