An Atypical Life

J, (A and R’s brother) stopped by last weekend to tell me about a rave he’s going to tonight, and a film project he’s working on. It sounds like he’s got ambition, and I hope he meets his personal deadline. To witness a half-blind director making movies of stories about his world is really, really cool, and judging from his taste in films and TV shows, I can’t wait to see what he puts out.

I ran into O, an old friend, by chance last night, that was weird! I was in a car with a friend (a rare occurrence in itself) and he’s just on the sidewalk, crossing Spadina on Queen. He said he’d find me through LiveJournal - hopefully his LJ email goes to the right place, as I decided to send him a note as well. O, drop me an email!

After reading his journal, I find that a group of people with whom I was social a couple of years ago is going to this thing too! It’s weird to see all of these disparate social circles intersect, but I shouldn’t be surprised - after all, I met most of these folks through a single individual.

In the process of thinking about going, I realized that I’ve burned out on social scenes that make me feel like I must be someone who I am not…and within which I find it extremely hard to just be myself. Stepping out of the public eye has been the best thing that’s happened to me in ages; it’s given me the focus to place my energies where I find they do the world - myself, other humans, other life, and our cosmos - the best quantifyable, measurable benefit. And, in the end, isn’t that the best thing I can do to preserve fragile human society?

Anyway, I keep pondering going tonight. I’ve been invited to come along by both active friends and older buddies. I shouldn’t, but I also have been looking for the right event to tell all of those people two key things: that I hold them no ill will, and that I have no desire to involve myself in their social scenes. I have been trying to find a way to show them in the same breath that, though I was uncomfortable at times, I do not feel harmed, and that I endeavoured at every chance to ensure my own actions never caused others any harm. I also want to wish them the best in their lives, and to ensure them that I respect their boundaries as I hope they respect mine. And I want to wish them all well in whatever direction they go, whether it’s mine, theirs, or some mutual direction.

Problem is, I’m not sure a rave is a good place to express any sort of sentiment, subtle or not, to another person, unless that sentiment is “Hey! I know! Let’s go out to a loud place with LOTS of people and dance until our legs fall off. We’ll drink water, eat candy, listen to some techno music and possibly do drugs. We’re doing it just to have fun.” And, to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure I’d enjoy all of that tonight, with or without friends at my side. The rain has sent me scurrying to my wool blanket and knitting needles. (Damn you, sporadicity!)

So instead, I decided to blog what I would have said in person. I guess I’m not going out tonight, my friends of yore, but I’m there with you in spirit. Dance on. Have fun. Be happy - I am!